The childless and their grandious delusions about parenthood

My beautiful younger childless(but not for long) sister called me last night.
"How do your kids act in the store?"
"Depends on the day I guess."
"Ok but usually... Usually how do they act?"
"There is no "usual" kind of behavior in the store," I said flatly thinking of how I could explain the elaborate mathmatical equation I use for figuring out how they are MOST LIKELY to behave in the store on any given trip.
"But would you just let them throw a tantrum in the store?"
"Look," I said, "If you are going to have a self rightous moment where you swear you will never let your precious angel throw a fit in the store Im going to knock you off your pedistal right now. We all think for a hot minute that we have these amazing well behaved children who would never do that but its a TRICK! It will happen. Maybe not until they are three but it will show up."
I think that was followed by a pause, some nervous laughter as it perhaps set in, and then was followed by a story about the sugared up ill behaved children she encounters at work every day.

Whew.

Im sure glad I didnt actually hear "I will NEVER let my kid act that way" because I would hate to have to reach through the phone and slap a pregnant woman.

Its like those people who swear their kid will never be dirty, with snot from ear to ear which has also inevitably attracted every piece of lint, pet hair, and dirt in the house.
I took JR to the store last night for a quick trip to get laundry soap since Oliver was in the middle of a laundry marathon. I swear, I looked right at him as I strapped his shoes on and zipped his coat. I saw nothing dirty about the childs face.
Of course, the second we got under the bright lights of our local grocery store, every bit of crusted snot, dirt, and hair on his face stood out like it was neon.

Ive realized that its a loosing battle... especially with JR. Hell even with me. I cant tell you the number of times this school year that Ive unknowingly dropped C off with pancake batter crusted to my hair/ear/cheek/shirt.

I just keep my head low and hope the other moms are all too worried about their bedhead to notice what food item has worked its way into mine.